


Lock It Down

by WeldersMightyB (TFWDuke)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Caretaker Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Quaratine, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:07:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24736636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TFWDuke/pseuds/WeldersMightyB
Summary: When Cas returns home broken, he pushes Dean away in hopes of saving him from being hurt. Dean's not willing to give up that easily.***Canon divergent where Cas stays a human after losing his grace.***
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 13
Kudos: 82
Collections: ProfoundBond Exchange: Quarantine & Chill





	Lock It Down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [captainhaterade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainhaterade/gifts).



> Written for the PB Exchange: Quarantine & Chill!
> 
> The quarantine in this is more of a loose 'mental quarantine' that Cas puts himself in.
> 
> Written for captainhaterade, and I hope they like it!! I focused on some good old hurt/comfort and angst with a happy ending!
> 
> I want to thank you for being exactly the giftee I needed to write this. It's been in my head for a long time, and technically it could be read as a deleted scene from my other fic 'Hurts So Good'. But this can be read completely on its own, for sure.

_ Lucky. _

That’s what the doctors had called him. Lucky. If they only knew what this meant for him.  _ For them. _ Cas knew that they had meant, “You are alive, that’s lucky.” Or maybe, “Everything works but your leg, that’s lucky.” He knew they had meant well. But when he had woken from his coma and he had been unable to move his right leg, the last thought through his skull was that he was  _ lucky _ . He tried to find happiness in the Impala as Dean drove them home, knowing he was safe with his hunter. He tried to pull himself out of his misery, but he knew this was the end for him. He was a hunter now, not an angel, and a leg that didn’t work would get him killed. Or worse, one of his loved ones would die trying to protect him.

So when Dean wheeled him into their room, Cas couldn’t meet his eyes. Dean was rambling on about how they could set up the bed to be easier for Cas, but the ex-angel wasn’t listening. All he could hear was the ways he would have to be waited on, taken care of now. He kept his eyes on the floor as he interrupted Dean, ignoring the shock on Dean’s face.

“Take me to my room.” He waited for Dean to wheel him away, waited for him to understand. But of course, his hunter was stubborn and tried to argue.

Dean took a knee beside the wheelchair Cas sat in. “Sunshine, this is your room.  _ Our _ room.” Cas didn’t blame him, he couldn’t even if he wanted to. After three and a half years of being together, Cas had nearly forgotten that he had once had his own space in the bunker.

“No.  _ My room. _ The one I used before we began… whatever this is.” He waved his hand between them to simulate the dismissal he didn’t feel. He hated himself for being this way, using their relationship to push Dean away. But he knew it was the only way to escape. The only way to be alone to wallow in his self-pity and hatred.

“‘Whatever this is?’” Dean sounded incredulous and Cas couldn’t help meet his eyes. The emerald he loved shone in disbelief. “This is our life together. This is you and me. I love—”

Cas spoke over him again, trying his hardest to not have to hear what he desperately wanted. It would soothe his soul and that was the opposite of what he wanted. 

“No. I was useful to you before. Whatever this was, it needs to end now. I will be nothing more than a burden to you. I won’t allow that.” Cas looked away again, ignoring the tears he saw in the hunter’s eyes. He damned himself to the Empty for hurting him. But it was safer for Dean if they distance themselves now before either of them were hurt further.

Dean stood and wheeled him down the hall, staying silent the full way. He stopped when they were next to Cas’s old bed, a thin layer of dust that covered everything inside tickling Cas’s nose. He waited for Dean to retreat, but the hunter spoke first. 

“I’ll leave you here to adjust. Maybe after dinner, we can talk about this.” There was hope there still. Of course, Cas needed to squash that before it took hold.

“There’s nothing to discuss.” Cas left it at that and was relieved when Dean left silently. Or at least he thought he would be relieved. Instead, his chest ached the moment the door clicked behind Dean.

He didn’t want to end what they had. He wanted to go back to movie nights and pizza. He wanted Dean to hold him close in the dark and chase away the fear he felt now. But he wouldn’t risk Dean just to feel better. He would save him now, rather than prolong it.

~~~

They hadn’t spoken in the five days since Dean had left him there in his room. Three times a day Dean walked in with a glass and plate, but the hunter said nothing. He stayed silent as he wheeled Cas down the hall so he could wobble himself back and forth into the restroom. The silence was deafening, but it wasn’t what crushed Cas the most. It was the realization that he had truly destroyed what they had. 

Sitting alone in his fortress of self-deprecation, wrapped in blankets and sitting on the bed, he began to wonder how it had been so easy to convince Dean to leave him. Why hadn’t he fought harder? Cas had been happy at that moment that Dean had relented, but now he wanted the hunter back to hold him and profess that they could make it through this. But Dean was just as stubborn as he was, Cas knew that too well, and he knew Dean was softer than he let on. Cas was afraid his words had done irreparable damage. 

But it was better that way. He needed to learn to be on his own. To learn how to cope with his new handicap and life. When he was able, he would leave the Winchesters. He knew it was his own death sentence, but it was safer for them.

He told himself that he didn’t miss the sound of Dean’s voice, but when he heard it through the door on day six, he almost called out an apology.

“Yeah?” Cas couldn’t hear another voice, but he heard Dean set what he assumed was his next meal on the ground outside the door. “No change yet.” Cas guessed he was on the phone, probably with Sam, who had stayed with Eileen to give them time to adjust after Cas was released from the hospital. “What do you want me to do? He’s his own-“ There was a pause, and Dean seemed to keep talking but Cas couldn’t quite make sense of what he was saying. He heard his name and assumed it was Sam on the other line. 

What happened next, Cas couldn’t say he was exactly proud. He wanted to know what Dean had to say, even if he couldn’t bring himself to apologize so Dean would say it to him. He turned and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, deciding stupidly to try to make his own way into the chair. He knew he could wheel himself across the room and listen in. But he underestimated the distance between the bed and the chair and his bad leg hit the floor at an odd angle, causing him to hit the floor hard on his stomach. As he fell, he tried to catch himself, shoving the chair back instead into the side table, causing a glass to fall to the floor and shatter.

The next few breaths Cas took were a struggle, but he slowly tried to pull himself up from the floor, hoping Dean hadn’t heard the commotion. Of course, the doctors had been wrong and he wasn’t lucky. The door to his room flew open, revealing Dean looking overly concerned.

“Cas!” He took the space between them in what felt like a heartbeat, reaching to pull Cas up and back onto the bed. 

“Leave me, Dean!” Cas struggled and pulled himself fully in the chair, the struggle causing him to breathe heavily as he finally made eye contact and spoke to his love for the first time in nearly a week. He opened his mouth to try to send him away, but Dean’s expression made him freeze. His eyes glistened, and he looked like he was about ready to shoot something.

“Damnit, Cas! What do you want from me?” Helplessness shown in Dean’s eyes. 

Cas didn’t understand what the hunter meant. He tilted his head, trying to understand, but he just couldn’t wrap his mind around it. He had told Dean. He wanted to be left alone. Dean kneeled in front of the chair, and Cas tried to lean as deep back into his chair as he could. Maybe it would help him stay resolved and not reach out for the hunter.

“Cas, please. I get it, man. I do. But you have to let me in.” Dean’s eyes begged Cas to give in, but he fought it.

“You can’t possibly—” Cas tried to stay strong, but Dean spoke over him. 

“I get what it’s like to feel helpless. You don’t want me to help. Fine. But talk to me. Don’t shut me out.” Dean sighed, looking up, seemingly trying to compose himself. “If anyone gets how it feels to not want to talk it out, you know I do.” Dean set his hand over Cas’s and it took everything for Cas to not squeeze it in return.

“You don’t understand, Dean. You can’t.” Cas tried to grab the wheels of his chair to push himself away, but he wasn’t even sure how to move around at this point. He was so helpless and pathetic. 

“Try me.” Dean’s determination made Cas love him just that much more, but he tried to fight it. Tried so hard he almost forgot to breathe.

“Tell me how you understand what it feels like to realize that the life you had before is gone.” Cas felt his eyes begin to itch as he tried to hold back tears. “Tell me how to cope with the fact that my body is broken. Tell me how I should feel, knowing I am just going to be a burden to you.” He looked away, bringing his palm up to wipe away a few tears that escaped. “Tell me how you understand.” He wanted to sound strong, he needed to be forceful if he was going to make Dean see. But he was weak, and he just wanted his life back. He wanted Dean to tell him how to keep going and how to feel. 

The hunter pulled his face gently back to his, and Cas saw tears there too. He hadn’t meant to hurt Dean, he really hadn’t. 

“You think I can’t understand that? My life ended when you fell to the floor. I felt all of that when I watched them wheel you away.” Dean wiped a tear from Cas’s cheek as he spoke. Cas wanted Dean to yell, to be angry with him. It might make him feel better for trying to push him away. Or maybe worse. He wasn’t sure what he needed anymore. Dean squared his shoulders, placing his hands on the arms of Cas’s chair. 

“But you know what I didn’t do? I didn’t  _ give up. _ I sat by you for four months, waiting for you to wake up.” Cas didn’t want to watch the pain in Dean’s eyes. He couldn’t bear it, knowing he had inadvertently caused it. But he somehow couldn’t look away. 

“And when you did, I thanked Chuck that you weren’t leaving me. And even when they said you might not be quite the same, that you might have issues, I didn’t care.”

Dean leaned in and kissed Cas’s forehead, a gesture Dean saved for only times when Cas knew life was dire. “I’d rather have you, remember?”

Dean paused then, and Cas took his chance. “But I will be useless now. I can’t hunt or-“

Dean scoffed. Damnit, he literally scoffed. “And why is that a bad thing, Cas? You know how I felt having you out there with us. Human and breakable and shit. Besides, maybe I’m weak and want an excuse to get out too.”

“You’ve been a hunter your whole life, Dean. You can’t just-“

“Why can’t I? You’re right. I’ve been hunting my whole life, Cas, and I’m tired. Hunters shouldn’t make it as long as me and Sam have. So, maybe I can make this my way out. We can have our apple pie life, go civilian. Hell, I’ll even blame it on my bum knee if it makes you feel better.”

“You would do that?”

“Of course, Sam’s heard about it enough, he wouldn’t second guess—”

“No, Dean.” Dean could be so oblivious that it was almost adorable when it wasn’t horribly annoying. “Knowing what you know, you would be appeased living outside the life?”

“If it’s with you, I’d ‘be appeased’ living any way you want.” The raw look on Dean’s face conveyed just how much meaning he put behind his confession.

Cas couldn’t help himself. He pulled Dean forward into a rough kiss. By his father, how he had missed these lips. “I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean-“ He wanted to explain, apologize for his actions.

But Dean wasn’t having it when he interrupted. “Sunshine, you were scared. I get it. I am, too. But we do this together.” 

Cas nodded, fighting back a sniffle with a smile. “Together.”

Dean stood, grimacing and stretching out his ‘bad knee’. Cas had called him on that several times, letting Dean know he didn’t believe for a second that his knee was acting up and that he wasn’t just getting the younger Winchester to do the dirty work. When Dean turned back to face him, the hunter paused and smiled just a bit. 

“Can I take you back to our room now, where you belong?”

Cas grinned at the offer. “On one condition, Mr. Winchester.” Dean lifted an eyebrow, a sign he was up for whatever game Cas was playing. “As long as you make love to me when we get there.”

~~~

Cas came awake to the shrill sounds of Dean’s ringtone blaring from the jeans he had discarded. He ached all over, in both good ways and bad, but he was feeling lighter than he had in days. Dean was still passed out next to him, his patented post-coitus smile loose on his lips. Cas struggled but managed to reach over the side of the bed and grab the phone from the pocket, before collapsing back into the pillows. The sudden jolt woke Dean with a startled expression, but he seemed to relax when his eyes found Cas.

Looking at the screen, Cas read it to Dean, “Sam is trying to call. You might want to answer him.”

Dean rolled his eyes, grabbing the phone and hitting the REJECT button before tossing it to the foot of the bed. “I’m not letting him interrupt this.” Dean leaned in and kissed Cas, who despite loving the contact, pushed him back. 

“While I appreciate the enthusiasm, I believed the phone said Sam had tried calling multiple times. Perhaps it is of import.” 

Dean sat back, staring at Cas for a moment, before leaving the bed entirely. Cas wasn’t sure what he had said to make the elder Winchester vacate, but he wanted to take it back.

“Dean?”

“One sec.” Dean didn’t sound irritated as he crossed the room to his dresser, so Cas took the opportunity to study the man’s backside. Oh, how he had missed that backside. Dean came back and crossed to Cas’s side of the bed, sitting on the edge. 

“So, bear with me here,” Dean took a steadying breath, which Cas didn’t understand. After everything they had been through in the last few days (or months, from Dean’s perspective), Cas couldn’t fathom what could unsettle his hunter.

“Dean, whatever it is, you know you are free to tell me anything.”

Dean sighed, and the look of raw emotion on his face took Cas’s breath away. “Castiel, I told you I understood how you felt. That I was scared, too.” Cas sat up a bit straighter. Dean’s tone and the fact that he used Cas’s full name alerted the former angel to the gravity of what Dean was trying to convey.

“Dean, I understand—” 

Dean cut him off quickly. “Please. Let me say this.” Dean took a breath, looking like his hands were shaking as he took Cas’s in his. Dean’s hands were never unsteady. “I’m not just scared, Cas. I’m terrified. I’ve never wanted anyone like I do you.” 

Cas tried to speak. “I know, Dean—” Dean’s withering look stopped him and he shrugged to tell him to continue. 

Dean gave him a look that said he might shoot him if he interrupted again. With a shake of his head, he continued. “Look, I don’t know what our life is going to look like. It’ll probably be hard. It might last thirty years or just for the next thirty minutes. But I don’t want to live another second without—”

Of course, Cas knew better than to interrupt again. Dean was never this serious and it took a lot to get him to talk about his feelings. Too bad for Dean that the ringer on his cell didn’t seem to care. A string of expletives fell out of Dean’s mouth in the cutest way, but Cas knew it was better to play stoic than to say so. The screen should have cracked from the force Dean hit it with, but Dean surprised Cas by hitting the accept button.

“Yeah?!” Cas couldn’t make out what Sam was saying on the other end, but Dean seemed to cut him off. “Geezus, Sammy, I’ll fill you in later when I’m not trying to propose, ok?” Dean froze as the words left his lips and he looked back to Cas, who couldn’t believe what he just heard. Dean didn’t even look back to the phone as he hit the end button. The phone hit the floor as Dean pulled his mother’s ring off his finger. Tears threatened Cas’s vision as he realized he had truly heard Dean’s words correctly.

Dropping all the pretense of his previous attempt, Dean sighed and met Cas’s eyes with a level hand. “What do you say, Sunshine?” He lifted the ring up with a smile. If Cas didn’t know Dean so well, he wouldn’t have seen the anxiety in his eyes. “Be my husband?”

Cas couldn’t help it. He burst out laughing as he grabbed the ring, pulling Dean in for a flurry of kisses. Dean tried to pull back and ask him if that was a yes with a laugh of his own, but Cas just kept kissing him, catching up for too much lost time. 

He’d thought the doctors were wrong, but maybe he was lucky after all.


End file.
